Bully-Proof Skills

Bully-proof skills – Self Esteem – ensuring yours is healthy. 

Self-esteem is different from confidence and the two operate separately from each other. In other words, you can have confidence and low esteem or healthy self-esteem and no confidence.

Bullying is a dysfunctional way of communication, and low-esteem is a mark of a dysfunctional personality.

We can learn self-esteem from our parents. I reckon you are at an advantage if you have a family member or someone close to you with healthy self-esteem.

It is easier for some people to see a way forward from watching others and relating to what they do and say to learn to spot these different qualities in action.

As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and again and expecting a different result. If you don’t like what is happening to you, you have the opportunity to find a different way to interact.

It could be said that self-esteem is ‘inner confidence’.

Confidence or ‘outer’ confidence.

My definition of being confident is when you can do or say what you want without worrying about what other people think of you. That means not trying to say what people want to hear or trying to get it right, to make yourself always sound good or to communicate perfectly. I’m come back to what I mean by that later.

‘Inner’ confidence.

Inner confidence is when you know inside yourself who you are, which means you are not effected inside by other people. You may still sound unconfident and react to people, but deep down you know you are fine and that what the other person is doing does not suit you. At this point you may not know how to stop them having a go at you but at least your self-esteem is not damaged.

Healthy self-esteem can lead to increased confidence. Confidence, in my view, does not necessarily lead to increased self-esteem as it can hide the problem from others and low-esteem can go unchecked.

Here are ways to increase both your self-esteem and your confidence, drawn from my own experiences.

• To participate in activities you enjoy.
• To get respect and recognition from others for these activities.
• To be productive.
• To get recognition.
• To find allies in these activities, i.e. people who enjoy talking about them and finding ways to do more of them.
• To ensure you maintain your comfort and well-being, in other words to ensure that you don’t compromise your needs when being productive, in other words not making yourself ill or hungry.
• To let other people enjoy, participate and/or respond to what you do.
• To take an interest in what other people are up to and respond to them.
• For anyone you work or do creative things for to show they value you by promoting you and ensuring you are comfortable with your working arrangement.

I’m not sure if you agree, but people who want to be or become famous often want to fix low-self esteem. They often find fame doesn’t make them feel more valued but more like an object or product because people want to exploit them without looking out for their well-being.

You can spot famous people with healthy self-esteem because they are more focused on their work or activities then the press, getting admiration or being told how good they are at what they do. An example of this is Chris Rea.

This may also be why people with low-self esteem gravitate towards mood boosting drugs such as cocaine and heroin.

In my thirties, I participated in things that challenged me and I surprised myself when I found I could do things I couldn’t do before. One of these for me was to let go totally and shout a poem at the top of my voice. It was liberating and after getting good feedback, plus the feeling it gave me, I found myself experiencing a natural sense of self-worth. It was exhilarating.

One thing that gets in our way is our own limiting beliefs. We may have had these installed in us by rubbish teachers or frustrated parents who have not had enough time to show due consideration and have told us we will not succeed at something.

I quite cheerfully go to a karaoke and sing in front of people, though I do this entirely for fun, but I don’t find any excitement in singing to myself at home or in the car.  Karaoke nights can be good for self esteem when the other participants enjoy it and you can compliment each other. I first did karaoke before there were screens with words and I got so anxious that people did tell me to ‘not give up the day job’ or ‘keep taking the pills’ but I carried on anyway as I knew I was only doing it to challenge myself. As it was something I enjoyed, I kept doing it until I began to get some satisfaction from it (sometimes) and then would find ways to face new challenges.

I also do stand-up comedy for fun and a couple of shows on community radio. I keep up the painting, which is something I get satisfaction from (from the responses of others and the act of painting itself). I enjoy putting my ideas down on paper and have been working towards ways to change my writing style from a formal journalist’s one to the more personal style found in successful blogs. This takes time but it keeps me occupied and seems to be of use to someone every so often.

It is a human right to be useful, which is why there is so much psychological damage in our society. People are excluded and employers take short cuts to find someone to do the job they want done, which means that people like me have had to find other ways to keep me occupied and not feel useless or unwanted.

Communicating perfectly.

There is no such thing as all communication is imperfect. There. Bet you didn’t expect to ever hear that. But I think it’s true. You may say something someone else doesn’t like or not convey yourself so the other person understands. However, the joy of communication is that by not communicating successfully (bear in mind the person you’re speaking to could just be thick) is that there is always a challenge ahead.

I had communication difficulties because of hearing loss and being Dyspraxic, therefore the thoughts in my head were all assembled in my head in one big picture, which made sequencing what order to say things in very difficult.

I also spoke very fast due to something else. My presentation of ideas and handwriting dealt some serious blows to the results I achieved at school. So did the ordering in my brain and not wanting to translate it into something I didn’t agree with: academia.

However I have never believed in making excuses. I see life as an inviting challenge and reaching the top of any mountain is plain boring. Where to go next?

So in summary, here are ways to make yourself bully-proof:

• Find things you enjoy doing that you can share with other people who do the same thing or people you do these things for.
  • (A pitfall here is always ignorant people. It is best to avoid finding a general audience until you feel confident at what you. Don’t let friends or family tell you to give up. Remind them that it takes 10,000 hours to become good at something and born talent is bullocks)
  • Find allies or provide your services to people who need them.
  • Ensure you are shown due appreciation and/or rewarded.
  • Ensure you maintain your comfort and well-being while you are working.
  • Ensure others are responsible to you to not exploit your skills.
  • Identify and maintain a boundary over which you can tell people not to step, so they are clear about it before they step over it.
  • Challenge yourself.
  • Stretch yourself and find opportunities to do things you didn’t think you could do or be good at and do them for yourself.
  • Let others see your work if you trust them that they know about doing these things or appreciating these things themselves.
  • Do not entangle creative productivity with academic grading. How much better or worse than someone else doesn’t matter. You know inside how good you are at something and nothing can make you feel different.

Bullyproof skills – Self Esteem

Self-esteem is different from confidence and the two operate separately from each other. In other words, you can have confidence and low esteem or healthy self-esteem and no confidence.

Bullying is a dysfunctional way of communication, and low-esteem is a mark of a dysfunctional personality.

We can learn self-esteem from our parents. I reckon you are at an advantage if you have a family member or someone close to you with healthy self-esteem.

It is easier for some people to see a way forward from watching others and relating to what they do and say to learn to spot these different qualities in action.

As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and again and expecting a different result. If you don’t like what is happening to you, you have the opportunity to find a different way to interact.

It could be said that self-esteem is ‘inner confidence’.

Confidence or ‘outer’ confidence.

My definition of being confident is when you can do or say what you want without worrying about what other people think of you. That means not trying to say what people want to hear or trying to get it right, to make yourself always sound good or to communicate perfectly. I’m come back to what I mean by that later.

 

‘Inner’ confidence.

 

Inner confidence is when you know inside yourself who you are, which means you are not effected inside by other people. You may still sound unconfident and react to people, but deep down you know you are fine and that what the other person is doing does not suit you. At this point you may not know how to stop them having a go at you but at least your self-esteem is not damaged.

Healthy self-esteem can lead to increased confidence. Confidence, in my view, does not necessarily lead to increased self-esteem as it can hide the problem from others and low-esteem can go unchecked.

Here are ways to increase both your self-esteem and your confidence, drawn from my own experiences.

• To participate in activities you enjoy.
• To get respect and recognition from others for these activities.
• To be productive.
• To get recognition.
• To find allies in these activities, i.e. people who enjoy talking about them and finding ways to do more of them.
• To ensure you maintain your comfort and well-being, in other words to ensure that you don’t compromise your needs when being productive, in other words not making yourself ill or hungry.
• To let other people enjoy, participate and/or respond to what you do.
• To take an interest in what other people are up to and respond to them.
• For anyone you work or do creative things for to show they value you by promoting you and ensuring you are comfortable with your working arrangement.

I’m not sure if you agree, but people who want to be or become famous often want to fix low-self esteem. They often find fame doesn’t make them feel more valued but more like an object or product because people want to exploit them without looking out for their well-being.

You can spot famous people with healthy self-esteem because they are more focused on their work or activities then the press, getting admiration or being told how good they are at what they do. An example of this is Chris Rea.

This may also be why people with low-self esteem gravitate towards mood boosting drugs such as cocaine and heroin.

In my thirties, I participated in things that challenged me and I surprised myself when I found I could do things I couldn’t do before. One of these for me was to let go totally and shout a poem at the top of my voice. It was liberating and after getting good feedback, plus the feeling it gave me, I found myself experiencing a natural sense of self-worth. It was exhilarating.

One thing that gets in our way is our own limiting beliefs. We may have had these installed in us by rubbish teachers or frustrated parents who have not had enough time to show due consideration and have told us we will not succeed at something.

I quite cheerfully go to a karaoke and sing in front of people, though I do this entirely for fun, but I don’t find any excitement in singing to myself at home or in the car.  Karaoke nights can be good for self esteem when the other participants enjoy it and you can compliment each other. I first did karaoke before there were screens with words and I got so anxious that people did tell me to ‘not give up the day job’ or ‘keep taking the pills’ but I carried on anyway as I knew I was only doing it to challenge myself. As it was something I enjoyed, I kept doing it until I began to get some satisfaction from it (sometimes) and then would find ways to face new challenges.

I also do stand-up comedy for fun and a couple of shows on community radio. I keep up the painting, which is something I get satisfaction from (from the responses of others and the act of painting itself). I enjoy putting my ideas down on paper and have been working towards ways to change my writing style from a formal journalist’s one to the more personal style found in successful blogs. This takes time but it keeps me occupied and seems to be of use to someone every so often.

It is a human right to be useful, which is why there is so much psychological damage in our society. People are excluded and employers take short cuts to find someone to do the job they want done, which means that people like me have had to find other ways to keep me occupied and not feel useless or unwanted.

Communicating perfectly.

There is no such thing as all communication is perfect. There. Bet you didn’t expect to ever hear that. But I think it’s true. You may say something someone else doesn’t like or not convey yourself so the other person understands. However, the joy of communication is that by not communicating successfully (bear in mind the person you’re speaking to could just be thick) is that there is always a challenge ahead.

I had communication difficulties because of hearing loss and being Dyspraxic, therefore the thoughts in my head were all assembled in my head in one big picture, which made sequencing what order to say things in very difficult.

I also spoke very fast due to something else. My presentation of ideas and handwriting dealt some serious blows to the results I achieved at school. So did the ordering in my brain and not wanting to translate it into something I didn’t agree with: academia.

However I have never believed in making excuses. I see life as an inviting challenge and reaching the top of any mountain is plain boring. Where to go next?

So in summary, here are ways to make yourself bully-proof:

• Find things you enjoy doing that you can share with other people who do the same thing or people you do these things for.
  • (A pitfall here is always ignorant people. It is best to avoid finding a general audience until you feel confident at what you. Don’t let friends or family tell you to give up. Remind them that it takes 10,000 hours to become good at something and born talent is bullocks)
  • Find allies or provide your services to people who need them.
  • Ensure you are shown due appreciation and/or rewarded.
  • Ensure you maintain your comfort and well-being while you are working.
  • Ensure others are responsible to you to not exploit your skills.
  • Identify and maintain a boundary over which you can tell people not to step, so they are clear about it before they step over it.
  • Challenge yourself.
  • Stretch yourself and find opportunities to do things you didn’t think you could do or be good at and do them for yourself.
  • Let others see your work if you trust them that they know about doing these things or appreciating these things themselves.
  • Do not entangle creative productivity with academic grading. How much better or worse than someone else doesn’t matter. You know inside how good you are at something and nothing can make you feel different.